tourist in your town
i was daydreaming on the way to work today, being back from springbreak's hard on a nagger + i didn't sleep well last night. a chain of my thoughts led me to feeling really ill, about the way i treated this lady i used to see a while back. it wasn't the most in depth relationship, long distance in fact, though it would have been deep, had i not been such a dirtbag. i really was into her to start things off, but then something happened, maybe that cramped feeling, a small trigger in my brain that completely changes the way i view someone...and then the longing from the other person just pushes them further away. it's pretty twisted + i've been on the other end of it, probably with good reason, karma, etc.
i took her to a wedding, she didn't know anyone + i totally dogged her there. i guess it was the alcohol + seeing a bunch of folks i'd missed for a while, but i was really relieved when she went to talk to a friend of mine + i said i was gonna head out for a sec, with the intent of getting away for a while. where in the f*ck does that come from, i have a hard time understanding how someone could be so shitty to someone, i sort of pride myself on treating people well (many will laugh at that statement), but i'm also a hypocrite + it's annoying.
later that night, we left the reception, went downtown and proceeded to get very lit at a bar, where i proceeded to not-so-discreetly hit on an old lady i used to know. total sh*tbag, what was i thinking? i doubt i was doing a good job of hiding what i was doing, it was pretty much in front of her, it just came out of somewhere, my mind switched + i couldn't get out of being a dick to this girl that was really good to me. at the end of the night, things got dirty + disrespectful there as well, i won't even go into that, it's a mess + i felt really ill this morning processing all of this + how it must have made her feel. she didn't deserve that shit. would an apology be selfish or appropriate? i'd have to do some groundwork to get in touch with her + i saw her in town about 2 yrs ago, caught off-guard at the grocery store, saying a weak hello + chit chat + then being torn in the parking lot of whether to go back in and see if she wanted to talk or if i could see her again some time.
i'm a chicken.
|